How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
