I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize