I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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