I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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