i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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