Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
