haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
