you would pick up someone in the library
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it was like eating out sand paper
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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