If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
