Are we in a gay sports bar?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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