My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
