i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
