Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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