I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
