i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
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It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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