I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
