"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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