I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
