Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
