I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
