im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He did a backflip because drugs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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