I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
