It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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