She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
