no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
