Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
