is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
