I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I cannot find my penis.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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