MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
