FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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