Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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