I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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