Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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