I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
nutella sex= disaster
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
