oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
