I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
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I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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