I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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