Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We are all done wearing pants today
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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