Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
