so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
