I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
