Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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