After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
