You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
