He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
