arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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