I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
