I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
