so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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