now i know why i became what i already was.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
