I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
