Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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